


Hate Revealed

by HighWarlockIvy



Series: Soulless and Afraid [5]
Category: Shadowhunters
Genre: BAMF Magnus Bane, Hurt Magnus Bane, Magnus' past, Past Abuse, Self Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicide, Torture, Trigger Warnings, Valentine finally dies yo, loving Alec Lightwood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-27
Updated: 2017-06-27
Packaged: 2018-11-19 19:34:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11320200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HighWarlockIvy/pseuds/HighWarlockIvy
Summary: "I never wanted you to see this terrible, ugly side of me."My very far fetched idea on what could happen in 2x15.Title is from the promo too!





	Hate Revealed

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoy this, because I think this is my favorite story I've ever written. I'm pretty proud of it, so tell me what you think!
> 
> Also, this story has no link to any others in this series like the last part.
> 
> Trigger Warnings: suicide, self harm, self hate, past abuse, torture

Magnus was standing on the balcony, feeling solace as the slight breeze ran through his hair and cooling his skin. Comfortable goosebumps littered his arms, and he leaned forward, resting his elbows on the low wall allowing him to see the city. 

He took a deep breath in through his nose, then let it out through his mouth. He closed his eyes when the breeze quickened for a second, feeling the wind lick his skin. He opened them again when his pocket began vibrating; he was getting a call. 

He sighed, pulling his phone out. He wasn't really in the mood to talk to anyone. But when he saw the caller I.D. saying it was Alec calling him, he smiled. 

He slid the answer button over, putting the screen to his ear. "Alexander," he greeted. 

"Hey, Magnus," Alec replied, but his voice sounded tight. 

Magnus frowned, straightening his back a little. "Alec?"

He heard Alec sigh on the other end of the phone, and he sounded apprehensive when he spoke. "Magnus, can you come to the Institute?"

Magnus frowned, leaning up straight fully this time. "Is everything okay? Are you okay?"

"Yeah," Alec replied quickly. "I'm fine, and everything's okay, it's just..." he heard Alec sigh again.

"Alexander, what's going on?" Magnus felt the breeze again, but he felt different when it didn't feel as comforting anymore. 

"It's Valentine," Alec murmured, almost sounding guilty. 

"I don't understand," Magnus replied, this time his voice was tight. "What's wrong?"

Alec didn't speak for a moment, and Magnus suddenly felt scared. "They're preparing him for execution. But..." Alec stopped again, but this time he continued on his own. "They want you there. I want you there."

Magnus' heart rate quickened. "Why?" He hated that his voice cracked. 

"I just think you need to be there. You deserve that." Alec's voice was loving, and soft.

Magnus was shaking his head, turning around and heading back inside. The air was suddenly too cold. "I... I don't want to be there."

He heard a fumble on the other end, and then he heard other voices. "Magnus..."

"Alexander, whatever you're not telling me, you need to, because I am not coming unless I have to," Magnus interrupted Alec, but he was speaking frantically. He took a deep breath. 

Alec was silent again for a moment. But when he spoke again, he was whispering, as if there were others in the room with him. "Magnus, the Clave wants you to make the last attempt to get the whereabouts of the Mortal Cup."

Magnus gasped, eyes widening. "They want me to what?" He sounded dazed.

"And then they want you to open the portal to his execution site," Alec finished, sounding fearful. 

Magnus closed his eyes, not sure how to reply. He swallowed, clearing his throat. "Um," he tried. "Okay, I'll um... I don't know, Alec."

He could practically hear Alec's frown from the phone. He could hear his breathing, and for some reason, it gave him the peace he needed in that moment. "Will you just come? If you don't want to do it when you get here, I won't let them make you." 

Alec was being so gentle.

Magnus furrowed his brow. "Who is 'they', Alexander?"

He heard what sounded like Alec licking his lips. "Imogen and a few other envoys from Idris."

Magnus nodded, though he knew Alec couldn't see him. He understood why Alec thought he should be there. But he didn't know if... he couldn't show that side of him in front of Alexander. 

But, if Alec said he wouldn't make him if he didn't want to, then he trusted his word. "Okay," Magnus whispered. "I'm on my way."

"Thank you, Magnus."

Magnus smiled sadly. "I love you," he said.

"I love you, too. I'll see you when you get here. I will literally be waiting out front for you, okay?"

Magnus laughed, though there was no humor in it. "Okay."

"I love you," Alec said again.

"I love you, too," and Magnus hung up.

He took a deep breath before grabbing his keys and heading out the door.

Yeah, he could make a portal, but he didn't feel like getting there as fast as he could. He needed to think about what it was he wanted to do when he got there.

But he felt frightened with himself when he realized he really, really wanted to do it.

...

Like Alec said, he was waiting outside the Institute doors when Magnus walked up the sidewalk, and Alec glided towards him when he saw him, quickly pulling him into a hug. "I'm sorry," Alec said. "But I think you should do it."

Alec gently let Magnus go, but making sure to keep him close. They were speaking quietly to each other, making sure no one who passed by would hear. "Why?" Magnus asked, looking at Alec's chest, avoiding eye contact. 

Magnus knew Alec hated it when he didn't look him in the eye when they spoke of this delicate matter, but Alec understood too. "I just... I just think you deserve to do this. He violated you, Magnus," Alec said, Magnus frowning and closing his eyes. "He was walking around in your body, using your magic, and talking with your voice."

Magnus' breath trembled. "I know that, Alexander."

But Alec didn't stop. "He did all of that while you were in his place, alone and scared in that cell. They tortured you, Magnus."

"Stop," Magnus finally said, but not unkindly. He opened his eyes then, looking up at Alec, clenching his jaw. He thought for a moment, breathing in sharply. "Alexander, I want to, okay? Of course I do. He deserves everything he's getting. But I just... I can't have... I don't know, Alec, I just can't have you there."

Alec looked guilty, his shoulders sagging in defeat. "I have to, Magnus. I am the head of Institute."

Magnus closed his eyes again, looking back down. But then he felt Alec's gentle fingers on his chin, pulling his face back up. "I won't see you any differently, Magnus Bane. I love you."

His voice was determined, and full of sincerity. Magnus was convinced, but that didn't mean he wanted Alec to see it. But he supposed Alec was right. The head had to be there. 

Magnus pushed the wetness in his eyes down, and leaned up and kissed Alec gently, just a peck on the lips. "Okay," he said against Alec. "I'll do it. I suppose there is no other way for Valentine to get to the execution site anyways."

Alec's arms were on Magnus' hips, giving a comforting grip. "I'll be there, okay? Right by your side."

Magnus verbally thanked him, but on the inside, that's exactly what he was afraid of.

...

Valentine was standing in the cell, that damned smirk on his face that Magnus hated. That same smirk that was once used on his own face while he plotted to get his body back, Jace in shackles next to him. 

Magnus had seen such hatred in his own eyes. Had heard such vile in his own voice. All the while, he was strapped to a chair, having almost been executed... almost been killed.

Being immortal sometimes meant that you don't think about death and where you go afterwards. Magnus had been close to death before, but only when he was just a child. When he had been fully under water with strong hands on his small shoulders holding him down. 

He shook the memory away. 

He's been injured, and he's been tortured, other than just the situation with Valentine, but he'd never almost died from any of that. But when Imogen was looking at him with such hate, and that knife slowly getting closer and closer to his throat, he thought then and there he would die. He was sure of it. 

But then Valentine had showed up in his body, everything about his stance was filled with hatred; with such evil. 

And now, staring at the real Valentine smiling at him from the other end of the glass, Imogen and some other Shadowhunters in black suits that Magnus didn't recognize, he felt anger surge in his very blood. Because Valentine thought this was funny; that this was comical. 

He hated it. And he hated him. He felt Alec by his side, just like he said he would do, but he really wished he wasn't. Because Magnus feared he was about to do something that he didn't want Alec to see. 

"Mr. Bane," Imogen greeted, speaking quietly, but she also had no ounce of guilt on her face. She had no regret or any remorse for what she'd done to him. "I'm glad you could make this particular scene."

Magnus didn't reply, instead just looked at her with a void expression on his face. He felt Alec run his hand on his for a split second, but then it wasn't there anymore and he felt scared. 

Maybe he should just... embrace this side of him, like his father always told him to. But if he did, he worried about the repercussions it would take to bring him back. Also, he probably shouldn't let that side show in front of Clave envoys. 

"I suppose Mr. Lightwood has informed you on your purpose here," Imogen began again. Magnus just nodded. "And will you do it?"

Magnus closed his mouth and licked his lips, only his eyes gliding over to look at Valentine one more time, who was still smirking and looking at Magnus almost hungrily. It took Magnus a moment to bring his gaze back to Imogen. "I suppose I will," he cracked out, voice hoarse.

Imogen smiled a satisfied smile. A smile he'd seen before at the knowledge of Valentine's suffering. A smile he'd endured. "Very good choice, Mr. Bane."

Magnus watched Imogen and the other envoys walk away into Valentine's cell, preparing him for one more round of torture, but this time, it will be inflicted by that of a Warlock. Valentine didn't even struggle while they strapped just about every part of his body into the chair.

Magnus was having very nauseas flashbacks.

He felt Alec's hand pull him to turn around from Valentine and look at him. "Hey," Alec whispered. "You can turn back. You don't have to do this if you really don't to. It's okay."

Magnus slowly looked up at Alec, and he felt... felt something he couldn't put his finger on. Something that made him feel heavy like a boulder were strapped to his chest, something that made the magic inside him boil and rage to want to come out, something that made his blood burn from within him. "I want to," he said, but this time there was no hesitation. There was only determination.

Alec didn't look at all uncomfortable, and he nodded. "Okay," he said, grabbing Magnus' hand in his own. "I'm proud of you."

Magnus was take aback with that.

'Don't be proud of me,' Magnus thought. 'This is a side of me you we're never supposed to see. But right now I can't find myself to care.'

Alec leaned down, pecking him on the lips like Magnus had done outside. "Go get him," Alec whispered, and Magnus nodded.

Magnus turned around, hands fisting into tight balls as he slowly made his way to the entry way of Valentine's cell. Imogen was still in there, lingering around in the corner, but the other two envoys left the cell and were waiting outside of it with Alexander. He looked back one more time, seeing the supportive look on his boyfriend's face before he finally walked in. 

Valentine was in the chair. He basically couldn't move, and suddenly Magnus was reminded of when he was in that position. His anger surged again. He glared at Imogen, who looked offended. "The only way I do this is if you leave the cell," he demanded. 

"Excuse me?"

"Do you want the cup or don't you?"

Imogen stared at him for a moment, incredulous, before giving him his own glare and leaving the cell, shutting the door behind her. He was almost tempted to ask for them soundproof the room so they wouldn't hear anything, but he knew that would be futile.

Being in this cell again brought memories of the agony rune back in his head, but with Alexander's presence behind the glass, he was able to get his voice to work without his throat closing up.

"Where is it," was all he asked.

Valentine scoffed. "If the Clave can't get it from me, what makes you think can?" 

Magnus didn't like Valentine's voice. It sounded dangerous and low. "Because the Clave can't do what I can."

Valentine smirked wider then. "Oh, I know that," he said.

Magnus frowned. "Excuse me?"

A low chuckle echoed the room. "I've been in that pretty little head of yours, Bane," Valentine said, voice deep, and quiet, but he knew those outside could hear. Magnus' heart rate picked up, and his frustration became hotter inside him. "I know what you can do."

Magnus stalked closer to him with one angry step. "You don't a damn thing about me," Magnus retorted.

Valentine smiled, teeth showing, actual satisfaction at Magnus' discomfort bringing him joy. "Don't I?"

Magnus closed his mouth, clenching his jaw to the point his teeth here hurting. He bit his tongue, and he tasted blood. 

His blood.

Blood once tainted with Valentine's presence. 

His breath was trembling with attempted controlled anger, but Magnus knew it was futile. 

It only took Valentine to say one more thing, a few more words, to make him lose it.

"You like swimming?"

Magic bursts from within him, hands glowing a ferocious red as Valentine convulses against the chair, pulling at his restraints. Again, Magnus was reminded of himself, and he pushed his magic harder onto Valentine, who in turn, struggled just as hard. 

After a moment, he let his magic calm down, watching Valentine loosen against himself, sagging, gasping for breath. Magnus was gasping too, but from what, he didn't know. "Where is the cup?"

Valentine laughed, looking up at Magnus. "Somewhere in Narnia."

His magic released itself again, and then there's screaming again, and Magnus knew then and there he was gone. The demon side of him had emerged, the half that his father had always drilled into him that he needed to accept had finally come out. 

"Where is the cup?" He yelled, and he wondered what Alec thought of him.

But again, he couldn't find himself to care. 

Valentine stopped screaming when Magnus stopped pushing his magic into his blood, boiling it. Almost literally. He chuckled again, eyes looking up from his brow. "Go ahead," he grunted out. "Burn me, Magnus," he smiled wide. "Burn me like you burnt him."

Again, his magic came in full fury. "Stop it!" 

Screaming. 

Always screaming.

Sometimes his head was only filled with screams; his own screams, his mother's, his step-father's, and sometimes Alec's. He hated it.

But nothing brought joy to his heart like Valentine screaming. 

And that was exactly what terrified Magnus.

Was that he was enjoying this.

...

Hours later, Valentine had lost consciousness, patches of his skin actually singed black due to Magnus' magic. Imogen had come in and thanked him, but they knew he wouldn't reveal anything. Magnus wondered if he actually knew where the cup was or not. 

Either way, he wasn't revealing anything. 

He was now outside the cell beside Alexander, finally calmed down and feeling a bit more like himself. But he was ashamed. Ashamed of what he'd just done, and ashamed of what Alexander was forced to witness. 

Imogen came out of the cell then, having woke Valentine up with the agony rune, who was barely staying conscious at all. "Portal, please?"

Valentine was shackled from head to toe, gagged, and he was barely standing while the two envoys held him up. Magnus didn't have any remorse for the man, and he opened the portal without a second thought. 

"Thank you," Imogen said again, and Magnus knew they weren't genuine words of gratitude. 

Suddenly, Valentine stumbled in the envoy's arms while they pushed him to the portal, and he didn't look afraid in any way. Imogen was in front of them, guiding them to the the swirl of colors that would lead him to his execution site. But first, he put a hand on Valentine's shoulder aggressively, who flinched and grunted, most likely because there was burnt skin under his outfit. 

Valentine looked at him, eyes evil. "I'll see you in Hell," Magnus whispered, and he could see what he swore was a faint smile under Valentine's gag.

And then they were gone.

...

Alec had helped guide Magnus out of the cell block, and they were now in the ops room. Alec had his hands in Magnus', who looked to be in a dazed state. 

So many thoughts were running through Alec's head, but there was only one that was ready to keep him up tonight. And it's not even that Magnus had done what he'd done. 

It was that Valentine mentioned things about Magnus that Alec didn't understand, but worried what the outcome of those stories are. 

"I'll see you later," Magnus said abruptly, and he tried to walk away, but Alec held his hand firmly.

"No, Magnus, wait," Alec tried, but Magnus was quicker and he yanked his hands free, stalking quickly out of the Institute.

This time, he did make a portal. This time, he wanted to be where he was going as fast as he could.

...

Magnus was back at his loft, sitting on the couch, calmly making sure his emotions were under control. He'd taken his jacket off, only his red shirt and black pants remained. His elbows were resting on his knees, fingers linked together, but his wasn't leaning forward; his back was straight.

One small tear fell on his hand, and finally, at the sight of that one drop, that one leak of emotion, the rest came out. The rest of his feelings of anger, pain, guilt, and agony were resurfaced in a flurry of memories playing out in his head. He clenched his eyes shut, pushing his palms into them.

Finding his mother dead, covered in her own blood, her wrists split open. His step-father beating him senseless afterwards finding them both, and then dragging him to the river in attempts to kill him; to drown him. Somewhere in those flash of memories was blue flame, then deep screaming, and then a pile of ash as he struggled to the surface of the water. 

Along with those old ones, came newer ones. Standing on the ledge of Blackfriars Bridge. Camille and her beautiful smile but evil personality. Ragnor, dying in his arms covered in his blood. Alec, standing on a ledge himself. 

Magnus, trapped in Valentine's body, alone and scared, tortured to the point where he didn't even remember his own name for a split second. Alec, viciously walking away with such hate when he was to be executed. Valentine, smirking at him in his own body. The switch back.

Today, memories of Magnus using his own magic, his own free will to torture a man and send him to his death, no matter how impure he might be. Alec, trying to talk to him, but Magnus being faster.

And now, here he was. And then the cycle played on loop.

But then there was a soft grip of his wrists, trying to pull his hands away from his face, speaking gently. 

'Alec,' Magnus thought.

He let Alexander pull his hands away, but he didn't open his eyes. He didn't want Alec to see this, this was something he'd never wanted him to see. He'd tried avoiding it, but the lock of feelings restrained in his chest broke off, and now it was like a river.

"Magnus," he heard Alec whisper. "Please, look at me. I'm here." Magnus didn't, instead shook his head. A few more tears rolled down his cheeks. Alec put a hand on his thigh gently. "You don't have to do this alone anymore, Magnus. I'm here, you're not alone."

To that, Magnus struggled to open his eyes, and they fluttered for a moment, getting used to the lighting again. He was breathing with a shake to it. Alec was kneeling on one knee in front of him. "Alexander," Magnus whispered. "I never wanted you to see that terrible, ugly side of me." 

He inwardly winced at the trembling of his voice.

Alec just looked at him, reaching his hand up to use his thumb to wipe away the tears on his cheek. He didn't look disgusted or repulsed. There was something though, something is Alec's eyes, but Magnus didn't feel offended from it or afraid. It reassured him, somehow.

"Magnus," Alec said, voice gentle. "There is nothing terrible or ugly about you. Valentine is a master manipulator. He is able to get under someone's skin so easily, and unfortunately, he got under yours with those comments about..." he stopped, realizing he actually didn't know. "I don't even know, but they bothered you."

Magnus felt his heart drop to the pit of his stomach. Alec, in a way, was asking for Magnus to share it. "Alexander, I..." he looked back down, tears now having calmed down. He breathed in deeply, but let it out slowly. "Alexander, you heard the comments." 

It wasn't a question, but Alec nodded anyways. "I did," he said.

"That's because..." he sighed in frustration. "I guess he knows because he was in my body and maybe he managed to link into my memories, but he said those things because he knows how horribly they have ruined me."

Alec furrowed his brow, curious. "What do you mean?" Magnus closed his eyes, biting his tongue. Alec rubbed his thigh then, as a form of comfort. "Magnus, look, you don't have to tell me anything, not if you don't want to or you're not ready, but please... don't allow yourself to be beaten up over it."

Another tear slipped out, and Magnus' eyes opened again. "I have to let it beat me. I have to allow it to ruin me."

Alec blinked then, this time utterly confused. "What?"

"It's my penance." The words were ripped from his throat slowly, because he'd never shared why he let it hurt him so much. He'd never told Ragnor, or Catarina, nor Dot. 

"Penance? Magnus, I don't understand."

"I killed both of my parents." He said them quickly, frantically, and all out panicked. He needed to say them fast or he'd stop, and never start again. "I was nine when my mother realized what my cat eyes meant, along with my step-father, who'd always been a bit abusive but it was nothing compared to when he found out what I was. Throughout the weeks after they'd known he'd take his anger and frustrations out on me, and he would only yell at mother. Blame her for letting me into the world.

"My mother became distant, to the point that she would just sit there and stare at nothing; stare at nothing and cry over the son she never wanted. And it was like that for nearly three months. Until one day I'd decided I needed air, because they didn't let me out of the house often much after that, for they were worried about what the rest of the town we were living in would say. And people in Indonesia at that time were very religious. 

"Anyways, I'd left without permission, because at that point I'd gotten used to my step father's anger and his beatings. I didn't really care he would do it again, because I knew he would if I left without permission or didn't leave at all. 

"I was simply just walking around, trying to think of any possible explanation as to why I was what I was. Back then, I didn't know of Shadow World. I didn't know of Downworlders. I wasn't familiar with the term 'warlock'. The only word I'd come to familiarize myself with was 'demon'. They'd been yelling that word at me for months, so that had to be it.

"I'd spent the whole day outside. Until a storm was visible in the distance and I headed home," Magnus stopped for the first time in what felt like forever. He took a deep breath, ignoring Alec's look on his face before continuing. "I expected maybe arguing when I got back, or possibly celebrations at the fact that I was gone. But I didn't expect... I didn't expect that."

"Magnus," Alec interrupted, hearing the way his voice broke. "You don't have to tell me." 

"Yes, I do." Alec only nodded, but he looked beyond angry and sad at the same time. "My mother had taken her life with a keris. A very keris that sits in this apartment on display. I'm sure you'd seen it." Alec nodded again. "I called out to her, because maybe I could save her. Maybe I could do something, but she'd already bled out from the cuts on her wrists."

Alec put a hand on his cheek, wiping away a tear Magnus didn't even know he'd cried. "Oh, Magnus," he said, and Magnus saw that he had a few tears too.

"Then he walked in," Magnus whispered, looking away from Alec. "I'm sure you know how he reacted. Much worse than anything he'd ever done to me before. I remember a crack and then I couldn't walk. He'd broken my ankle for exactly that purpose; so I couldn't run away." 

Magnus saw Alec clench his jaw angrily at hearing the treatment Magnus endured. 

"And then he dragged me outside to the river behind our barn, and threw me in. I remember screaming, and I remember... I remember begging but... a lot of that particular moment is gone from my memory. I'd been held under there for a long time, and I'm sure I may have blacked out.

"But that was when my magic manifested. That was when it came out with no warning. That's when I struggled back up to the surface and leaned against the grass so the current from the storm wouldn't take me away. It took me a while to catch my breath and get the water out of my lungs, but when I did," his voice broke off for a moment. "When I did he was nothing but ash. I'd killed him."

Alec was breathing deeply as if trying to control his anger. "What happened? I mean, where did you go?"

Magnus sighed. "I pushed myself up to the ground and just... I just lay there for a long time. And then I looked at my ankle and knew I couldn't run." He looked at Alec, knowing his expression was void now, rather than horrid. "So I crawled."

"By the Angel," Alec gasped out.

"Apparently the Shadowhunters there caught wind of it, and knew they had a Warlock on their hands. They'd ordered some Silent Brothers to come after me, but by then I was no where near my home. I don't really remember how, but they did find me, and they took me to their silent city where I stayed until I was eighteen and ran the hell away. From there I had to figure the Downworld out all on my own. I don't even know how I'm the High Warlock today," he said, scoffing.

Alec frowned then. "I do," he said, without hesitation. 

Magnus smiled sadly. "What?"

Alec leaned closer to Magnus, practically pushed up between his knees and looking him in the eyes. "Because despite all of that, despite everything you went through, you fought for yourself. You didn't give up. Despite all of that, you're still a good person, fighting those who aren't. You've gained tremendous respect from your people, and they do respect you, Magnus. They trust you. You've helped those in the Downworld who didn't have help themselves. Raphael, Simon, Madzie, and I'm sure there's a hell of a lot more that I don't know about, that I hope to learn about one day.

"Magnus, I'm not going anywhere if that's what you're afraid of. I'm not leaving you, I'm not giving up on you, and I don't hate you. I love you more than I ever thought possible. You did not kill them, because you're not a murderer. You're a saver. You saved me from spending an eternity not being myself, and I'm not even part of the Downworld," he smiled. "I'm part of the very people who have probably made your life a living hell. That's why you're the High Warlock of Brooklyn," Alec said, putting his hand on over Magnus' heart, who was crying again at Alec's words. "That's why this heart is so good. It's so good Magnus, and I love you."

Magnus sobbed then. "I love you, too," he breathed out, wrapping his arms around Alec's neck and pulling him in for a kiss. 

It was a desperate, hungry kiss that had Alec nearly knocked over. Magnus smiled against his lips, kissing harder and asking Alec entry for his tongue. Alec obliged, and then their tongues were playing with each other, as if they were trying to tie themselves in a knot. Magnus released once for a breath, and Alec did too. 

They kissed a while longer before they broke apart, gasping, their foreheads resting on each other. "I love you, Alexander, I love you so damn much."

"I love you, too."

And they were kissing again.

Magnus knew he was struggling now, and he knew he might be for a while ahead. But because he had his Alexander by his side, everything seemed easier, and his chest felt lighter and less cold. He felt warmth, all over his body, in his nerves, in his soul. And he'd been searching for this for so long, and he never knew he would ever have it.

But he did.

And it was Alexander Gideon Lightwood.


End file.
